


Up the creek without a boot, a bat, or a bastinada

by oddegg



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Schitt's Creek
Genre: Crack Crossover, Gen, Nonsense, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:53:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27960317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oddegg/pseuds/oddegg
Summary: You'd think the Rose family would have learned to stay out of these situations by now
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Up the creek without a boot, a bat, or a bastinada

**Author's Note:**

> This is a secret santa gift for Karie :) Hope you enjoy it and I didn't go too wildly out of character!

“ **You** can get horribly murdered!”

“No, **_YOU_** can get horribly murdered!”

“No! **YOU** –“

The door opened. Not quite violently enough to be called a slam, but not far off. The figure in the doorway was small and petite. It was blonde. It was scowling and had its hands on its hips.

Its yummy sushi pyjama covered hips.

“Do you mind? Some of us have been out killing monsters all last night AND all of today and would like to get _some_ beauty sleep!”

“Besides,” Buffy Summers added “This is Sunnydale. Chances are you’ll BOTH get horribly murdered”

She swept out. David and Alexis exchanged glances, looked at the darkness gathering outside, and silently shuffled closer to each other.

***

Johnny watched as the small Slayer stomped back to her own room (and what the hell was this Slayer thing? It had been explained but he still didn’t understand). He smiled awkwardly at the scholarly, mild looking man opposite him. “They’re not usually like this” he told Mr Giles.

Honesty compelled him to add “Much. Anymore”

His wife said “Really John, loyalty to la famille” but in a tone that said it was mostly a form protest. She added “So, Mr Giles, you were saying that Sunnydale _isn’t_ Sunnydale? Je ne comprends pas”

Mr Giles smiled in a really very charming manner and said “Yes, Mrs Rose. I’m afraid the Sunnydale your documents refer to is the previous town, which was situated in California. This town is made up of many of the same, um, _residents_ but in a different state” he gave a small laugh and added “Metaphysically as well as geographically”

“And what happened to the previous town?” Moira asked “My comprends is still very much pas”

“It was built over the literal mouth to hell and it turns out hell’s the kind of dirty bitch who swallows” Johnny ignored Mr Giles’ sighed _‘Really Spike, must you?’_ and turned to the other person whose existence he still didn’t understand, even after explanation (vampire? **_Vampire?!_** Was that serious or was this new internet slang he didn’t get?) and asked the one really crucial, essential question about everything that had gone on so far today

“So. Does that mean we don’t own it?”

*** 

No, it turned out, they did not.

This became clear after lots and lots more detailed explanations from Please-do-just-call-me-Giles and a young lady called Willow who was a witch, and another young lady called Tara who was also a witch and engaged to Willow (Moira immediately took them on a tangent about wedding planning and graciously hinted that she had already officiated at one if they needed somebody), a very strange lady called Anya and Spike.

It also turned out that vampire was not some new internet slang.

“You wouldn’t have wanted it anyway” Spike drawled, from his sprawled seat, one leather trouser clad leg thrown over an arm of the chair “Terrible shops, horrible people. Some of the demons were ok though”

The children had wandered back out during the explanations and David was looking Spike up and down “Have you ever considered not looking like an escapee from a 1980s music video?”. In response Spike sprawled even more and said, “No need to be eyeing me up. Sorry luv, this particular vamp is off the menu, even if it’s got blooming onions on it”. Alexis pursed her lips and sprang to her brother’s defence, after a fashion “Um, obviously I like, totally get that reference, but it sounds homophobic and anyway there’s no way you’re straight, sitting on furniture like that”

Giles ignored the vampire’s muttered _‘never said I was and what’s that got to do with onions’,_ sighed and said “Although I hate to, I must agree with Spike there. You really wouldn’t have wanted the old Sunnydale or anything to do with the people and creatures who ran it. But in any case, the deeds would all be void”

“Unless you signed them in blood!” added Anya cheerfully.

“Anya” Willow’s tone was just a bit patronising “I don’t think Mr Rose would have signed a business contract in blood without noticing something was a bit off”

“Well, actually. I did think it was a bit unusual” Johnny blinked as everyone turned towards him, most starting to look horrified, Spike starting to grin.

“Um. Oops?”

*** 

“Really, John, really? A man _who you now say had horns as well_ asked you to sign something in blood and you did not think it strange? You did not reconsider? You did not inform moi, your wife of it?”

“I told you! The horns could have just been a very unfortunate hairstyle! It was the 80s, everyone was overdoing the hairspray!”

Anya nodded “That is very true. I was once about to enact vengeance on a man, but he lit a cigarette while doing his hair and turned into a fireball before I could” Her eyes went wistful “I had a really great plan for him involving feral shoulder pads as well”

“ **MR ROSE** , if you please, can we get back to the contract?” several layers of ‘mild’ had slid off Giles’ persona and he was much someone you snapped to attention for. Johnny snapped. “Yes, it’s probably easiest if I show you a copy”

After he produced it and the Sunnydale folk had been frowning and conferring over it for some minutes he asked rather impatiently “So, can you tell me how much trouble I’m in?” 

Willow was the one who answered, and her smile was reassuring “It looks like you should be in the clear. There’s no special clauses that indicate any demonic influence should be lingering and Anya says she met the guy before, and he was a fairly low level energy gatherer.”

Giles added “But just to be sure we’re going to call him up and impress upon him the fact that this contract is void” Giles’ smile was less reassuring and actually made him look a bit dangerous. Then his mouth went grim “However, that does mean one thing” Johnny looked around and saw the other Sunnydale lot began to look dismayed. What could be worrying them this much? He reached out and grasped Moira’s hand tightly.

Giles took a deep breath “Someone has to wake up Buffy”

***

Buffy had not woken up happy. So much so that Johnny quite understood the groups reluctance to disturb her.

He especially understood when she came into the main living area of the house dressed and carrying a huge, very very VERY lethal looking axe thing. With no prior consultation the Rose family shuffled into a tightly packed group and backed up to a corner.

The demon summoning was actually much simpler than it ever looked in movies. Just the two witches marking out a circle, one in ash and one in salt, while Buffy idly swung her axe thing and Giles and Spike stood nearby, Giles with a medium sized sword and Spike with what he called his ‘game face’ on (vampire _very_ definitely not new internet slang). Then Willow spoke a couple of lines of some language that Johnny suspected wasn’t human, and with a crack of thunder and a sudden billow of smoke there was a pretty huge demon-looking thing in the centre of the circle. The lights in the room flickered as the creature boomed out “WHO DARES SUMMON ME?” and Buffy swung the axe up into a two handed grip and moved into a fighting stance.

“Oh my god, oh my **_god_** , what IS that?!”

The imminent battle was interrupted as both Buffy and the demon turned to look at David, who was now holding his nose and gagging. Alexis was also flapping her hands in distress in front of her nose. Moira had taken a mister bottle of Bvlgari out of her bag and was discreetly spraying it about herself. “Demon stank” Buffy explained briefly “Hell to get out of your clothes, I go through so many scented dryer sheets”

The demon started, as far as Johnny could tell, to look offended and its voice switched from booming to more nasal tones “Excuse me, but if you pink squishies spend centuries expecting brimstone when a demon shows up then I think it’s poor form to complain when we smell of brimstone”

“ _That’s_ brimstone?! I always thought it sounded sexy when I read about it. Smelling like a sack of farts died and got dug back up is not sexy” Alexis sounded very distressed “This is worse than when I had that month long thing with Pete Davidson and he didn’t shower the whole time”

David was staring at her incredulously “You read about it? You? _Read?_ ”

Alexis bristled “I read! It was a paranormal romance series and it was all there was to do on the yacht and I couldn’t go ashore for two more weeks because James was pretending I was dead for a mission. Anyway” she sped on “if I’d known that’s what they meant by brimstone I’d have switched to Addison’s books much earlier”

The demon, whose expression had been morphing slowly from offence to puzzled as it watched the Rose siblings bicker, suddenly looked eager “Ooh, Addison Cain?” At Alexis’ nod it looked dreamy “She is so talented – I was amazed when I learned she was human. With her skills she could be a top ranking _Molestus_ demon easily”

After that it was all over. Once a frustrated Slayer managed to get the demon to stop gossiping with Alexis by waving Johnny’s Sunnydale ownership contract directly in its face, it had distractedly said “Wow, that should have burned up with the town” before incinerated it with a quick snap of its clawed fingers. It took another twenty minutes before they got it to leave and only after it had exchanged numbers with Alexis.

Perhaps, thought Johnny, as he watched his youngest giggle and wave at a blue skinned, horned demon as it mouthed _‘Call me’_ before disappearing in a puff of sadly-brimstone-scented smoke, he and Moira could have raised their children in a more normal manner.

*** 

Jonny sipped on the very generous scotch that Giles had handed him and looked round the room bemusedly. David was tucked up on a couch nearby with a person who looked like a cross between a pig and a bald Shar Pei (he had turned up to _‘see if Spike wanted to catch up on Passions’_ ) and their conversation had just moved on from the latest Mariah album to skincare – something Johnny supposed that pig guy probably knew something about, having roughly twice as much to care about as anyone else.

His daughter appeared to be getting on amazingly well with the Summers girl and from the tiny bits he could catch of it they seemed to be talking about fashion. Well, he assumed the stilettos they were talking about were shoes not knives but… Alexis squealed and shook her hands in excitement “So shiny and stabby!”

No, he still couldn’t be sure which.

A faint ping made him look at his phone, where he found an email from his lawyer. His eyes widened as he read:

‘ _…so finding the Sunnydale agreement got me thinking about other possible holdings and I found a box under your wife’s maiden name. Obviously, the contents had not been reviewed in some time – the bulk of the shares were in Blockbuster Video and NapSter – and there is almost nothing of value but there were deeds to a substantial amount of land in a small town called Beacon Hills. It appears to be a little backwoods place, although there are a lot more animal attacks that is statistically usual…’_

The wonderful possibilities sped through Johnny’s mind before second thoughts sent that particular train crashing off the rails. The family’s first and second encounters with small towns had both started badly but ended… his eyes flicked to David who was now showing something on his phone to the odd-faced man, judging by the besotted look on his son’s face probably photos of his husband, to Alexis who was cooing over a jacket Buffy was twirling round to model for her, to his wife who was talking very earnestly with the strange ex-demon lady, while Giles stood nearby polishing his glasses with a pained look on his face and the two witches were obviously having trouble not laughing.

Yes, both had ended well after all was said and done. Third time might not be quite so lucky. He quietly deleted the email and decided to refill his scotch before he went to find out what trouble his wife was getting into now.


End file.
